I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
