They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I FOUND THE LEGS
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
