im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
