Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I need to align my fucking chakras
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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