Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
