she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize