The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
