Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
