I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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