i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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