I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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