he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
