Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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