I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm too high and old for this...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
