You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
