do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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