I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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