but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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