I murdered the dance floor call the cops
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
