I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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