benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
