I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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