If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
