hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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