If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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