you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
