no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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