You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
