Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
