Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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