You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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