ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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