i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
