so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
