I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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