party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
