There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize