I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i wish my penis had a tongue
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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