So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
