So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
