apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
