I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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