will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
