My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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