Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
