After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
