What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
