Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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