Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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