someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
