I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You may now shotgun with the bride
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
