I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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