I feel like I'm in dance class right now
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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