New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
