Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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