When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
