saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
