i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
