You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
