tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
