I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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