are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
