he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
