I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
