The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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