Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize