he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
