In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
she told me i tasted like america
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize